How to Pick a Lover

Posts tagged ‘sexual foreplay’

Sexual Foreplay and Feedback

A good example of give and take is to take pains to give pleasure.
—Evan Esar

Making love is a sensation of the body as well as a fantasy of the mind. To be good, it must be just right—not too fast or too slow, too soft or too hard, too hesitant or too insistent. The professional call girl must be willing to put up with inept lovers and must do so tactfully and cheerfully. She is not seeking her own pleasure; she is working and she gets paid accordingly. However, unless you are using your sexuality like a call girl, there is no need for you to settle for inadequate lovemaking, and it is better for your morale and your self-respect not to. But how do you know the skillful from the clumsy? The first fact to remember is that no one but you can know what is sexually just right for you. You can feel your response getting better and warmer and more sensational—or not.

Remember as a child when you played Hide the Thimble? As people wandered around the room, they were told that they were either getting warmer or getting colder. Well, a lot of foreplay is just like that. He does something to you, you do something to him; and by gesture or words or little animal sounds, you tell each other if you are getting warmer or not.
To get these messages—assuming you are wise enough to send them out correctly—he must, first of all, be paying attention. He must be concerned with making you feel good. His concern for your comfort, his willingness to do what is needed to make you feel good will show in lots of other ways before you actually end up in bed.

For Whom the Bell Tolls (film)

Photo credit: Wikipedia

In the film version of Hemingway’s For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ingrid Bergman tells Gary Cooper, “I did feel the earth move.” Sometimes, the earth does move, but you cannot arrange it anymore than you can arrange a conventional earthquake. It requires not only physical passion but also a combination of urgency and romance and adrenaline and perhaps some celestial event such as an eclipse of the moon.

You need not, should not, expect the earth to move every time. But you should expect every encounter to be, at the very least, pleasant and friendly.You should expect every encoun ter to be emotionally satisfying whether or
not it is orgasmic.

You do not have a right to earthquakes; but you do have a right to lovemaking that is, if not wonderful, at least consistently pleasurable.

The Role of Pillow Talk in Making Love

By the time you swear you’re shivering and sighing,
and he vows his passion is infinite, undying—lady,
make a note of this: one of you is lying.
—Dorothy Parker

Making love is like a play. It has a script of sorts, partly dictated by the culture, partly created through the continual revisions made by the couple themselves. It is a play with an overture: an apt analogy because, in this case, even the word is the same.

Making love begins with someone making overtures. It has a first act made up of various kinds of foreplay. It reaches a climax in the second act. It has a third act, an afterword. There are intermissions. And as in the theater, there must be a willing suspension of disbelief.

When watching a play, you know at some level that it is not real life. Actors are killed, but not really. It takes place in the eighteenth century, but not really. The scene takes place deep in the forest, which is, really, only painted trees on cardboard. To enjoy the play, you must willingly suspend disbelief: knowing it is not real, you nevertheless agree to go along with whatever the author and the players tell you, as if you did believe.

Pillow Talk (film)


Pillow talk, like a play, needs some suspension of disbelief. When he says, “You are the most beautiful woman in the entire world,” you don’t stop to wonder about his criteria for beauty or what kind of survey he has taken with what kind of international sample. When he says, “I’ve never been this happy before,” you don’t ask, “What about when you were sixteen and your father surprised you with a red Mustang convertible?”

You believe that, at the moment, it is true . . . even if it isn’t true. Pillow talk exists in the realm of feeling, not fact. It is not a time to be too literal.

An exasperated friend of mine told me that he breathed into his girlfriend’s ear, “I love you,” only to have her bolt upright and demand, “What do you mean by ‘love’?” There may well be forty-seven meanings of the verb “to love,”
but this is not the time or place for semantics. The circumstances of pillow talk are not conducive to accuracy. The whispered words and promises, the hyperbole and dreams have to be considered in context.

If you want reality, listen to what your man tells you the next morning while you are sharing coffees and hangovers.

Beware of the Courtly Gentleman

It’s hard for a girl to know sometimes if a man is a perfect gentleman or just not interested.
—Evan Esar

A typical complaint from women who are dating is that their escorts come on too strong too fast. While you, as a woman, are still considering whether or not you even like him, much less whether or not you want to sleep with him, he may be all over you. His hand “accidentally” wanders from your waist up to your breast and down to your inner thigh and beyond. He makes suggestive comments and puts his tongue in your ear and holds you down in a hammerlock embrace, while all the time you’re feeling as though you’re being loved to death by an amorous Saint Bernard: “Down, boy! Down!
Bad dog!”

After a number of evenings, which usually end in a tussle and leave you breathless and with torn clothing, it is a refreshing change, finally, to go out with a man who acts like a gentleman instead of an incipient rapist. A gentleman who kisses your hand or your cheek. A gentleman who manages to hold your coat for you without breathing down your neck and who can help you out of a car without putting his hand under your skirt. A gentleman who manages to have an ordinary conversation, which is not constantly salted with double entendres. Under these circumstances, a woman can relax and watch the show without feeling that, at the slightest sign of reduced vigilance, the wolf is going to pounce on the lamb, resulting in yet another tussle and lots of heavy breathing.

However, a courtly gentleman who is too polite can also be a sign of impending trouble albeit of another kind. One young wife reported her sad tale. “John was so respectful of me when we were going out. It was a delight after all those men on the make all the time. I thought it meant he loved me—but he was still respecting me three months after our wedding!”

The man who is not sexually aggressive may be behaving politely, or he may just be apathetic. Sometimes, the two very different patterns can seem much the same.

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