How to Pick a Lover

Posts tagged ‘sexual apathy’

Lovers Are Not For Everyone: The Celibacy Option

Some modern cynics make assertion
That chastity’s a sex-perversion.
Such a description should go far
To make it much more popular.
—Geoffrey B. Riddehough

One woman who isn’t interested in picking a lover is the woman who prefers to be celibate. Some women simply seem not to have sexual urges of the kind that are felt by almost all men and by most women. Rather than being either  heterosexual or homosexual, they are more appropriately designated as asexual.

Some women find the idea of sex repulsive. They don’t like to be touched; they aren’t pleased by erotic attentiveness and are by nature inclined toward a nun like existence. Often, but not always, their negative attitude toward sexuality is associated with a strong religious commitment or with a very damaging experience the first time they had sex. Other women may find the possibility of sexuality mildly appealing under the right circumstances, but they have little interest in the pursuit of sexual experience per se. The anticipated pleasures are not sufficiently enticing to outweigh their religious or moral scruples.

Some women who have been sexually active and who have enjoyed that part of their life may find that at a particular period of time, they want to take a sabbatical from sex and turn their attention and energies to something else. Such a sex sabbatical may well go with some emotional trauma, such as a broken love affair or a divorce. It might accompany a sense of loss and grief when a loved one dies. It might go with being very ill or with recovering from being very ill.

Experts who discuss male impotence are quick to point out that occasional situational impotence is quite common for many men in circumstances of psychological stress or depression. Depression tends to inflate one’s troubles while deflating one’s physical apparatus. Being depressed is not conducive to being or feeling sexy. We don’t talk about female “impotence” in the same way, but some women may experience essentially the same phenomenon with a temporary loss of sexual desire and/or of the ability to achieve orgasm.

The body has a wisdom of its own and a well-developed sense of priorities. When your body is again ready for an erotic life, it will let you know. You have little to gain, and quite a bit to lose, if you try to force from yourself a response which must come spontaneously and naturally.

There is nothing wrong with being celibate if that is what feels most appropriate for you. Whatever your reasons for not wanting a lover, you have a right to be turned off if you happen to feel turned off, and that decision is your own to make. Better to be celibate than to feel guilty, better to be celibate than to submit to unpleasant experiences, better to be celibate than to deny your feelings by going through the motions without desire.

The fact that there is an increasing permissiveness which allows women to have lovers shouldn’t be interpreted as an obligation to do so. Sexual apathy is in itself an excellent reason not to be sexually involved whether that apathy is toward only one particular man or men in general. You can take a lover if you want to, but under no circumstances should you feel you have to do so.

Sexual Fulfillment: On Knowing What You’re Missing

One can find women who have never had a love affair, but it is rare indeed to find any who have had only one.
—François, Duc de La Rochefoucauld, Maxims

The Roaring Twenties

The Roaring Twenties (Wikipedia)

For many women for many decades, the repression of sexuality appears to have been amazingly effective in preventing them from enjoying sex. The denial of erotic response, sometimes to the point of sexual anesthesia or a complete absence of sexual feeling, was possible in part because of the pervasive cloak of ignorance and secrecy which surrounded human sexual response in general and female sexual response in particular. Whether due to differences in physiology or hormones or conditioning, it appears that a woman, more than a man, has to learn to develop her erotic potential. She has to be, as they used to say, awakened. However, once a prince has come and kissed her and the Sleeping Beauty has opened her eyes, the arms of Morpheus, the Greek god of dreams, are no longer the arms she dreams of lying in.

As the Roaring Twenties started to roar, people went around singing a ditty which asked the critical question: “How you gonna keep ’em down on the farm after they have seen Paree?” How indeed!


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