How to Pick a Lover

Posts tagged ‘sexaul adjustment’

Picking a Lover: The You and Me That Is Us

Lovers seldom get bored with each other because they are always talking about themselves.
—François, Duc de La Rochefoucauld, Maxims

It is nice to have a lover who talks. It is even nicer to have a lover who talks to you and with you about himself and about you and about the two of you together. A lover who talks about both Love and Life, with a capital L. He does not have to be a great philosopher; but it is gratifying if he is a man who has, at least, examined his own life, has thought about the relationships in it and what they have meant. Having reflected on that, he will be able to be equally reflective about a possible relationship with you.

Talking with a lover is especially important because the role of lover is a relatively new one and consequently is more ambiguous and unstructured than that of husband or boyfriend, for example. The two of you have the freedom—and therefore, the necessity—to make up your own rules. Talking about feelings is both a way of creating and of expressing them, and the experience becomes more real and more memorable.

The stereotype would have it that women want to talk and men want to get on with it: get drunk, get laid, get back to the game. Perhaps many do just that, and many will chat you up for the quite deliberate purpose of getting you to lie down.

Latin Lovers (1953 film)

If you can find a lover who can talk and who likes to talk, you have found a man who can help you grow and a man who, perhaps, can also be a friend. I do not suggest that constant analysis of interpersonal dynamics is necessarily good. Analysis, yes; constant analysis, no. It is also important to recognize that if positive words can create a mood, then negative words can and will destroy it. If you are about to make love or are making love or have just made love, the last thing that is needed right then is clinical analysis. The more clinical the conversation about who did what to whom and about what should have been done, the more you distance yourself and your partner from what you are feeling. You become self-conscious and objective rather than free and spontaneous. It is important for lovers to discuss the clinical aspects of their lovemaking. Being able to do so openly and honestly greatly facilitates sexual adjustment. Such postmortems, however, should be held while dressed and seated upright in the living room, with no immediate intention of putting theory into practice.

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