How to Pick a Lover

Posts tagged ‘orgasms’

Making Love To, Making Love With

Maria's Lovers


One can know nothing of giving aught that is worthy to give unless one also knows how to take.
—Havelock Ellis

The great lover, when or if you find him, is a man who takes seriously the experience of making love to a woman.

When he is with you, you are the center of his experience and you have his complete attention. He listens to your breathing; feels your hands, your body; and—by a blend of intuition, experience, and trial and error—has the uncanny ability to somehow know what you want now and what you want next and where and how and for how long. Marvelous.

The great lover concentrates on making you feel good, on making you have an orgasm, without demanding that you spend so much effort showing passion that you are distracted from feeling it. This kind of lovemaking is a gift to you.

It is the kind of cherishing and communication that is meant in the wedding prayer when the groom pledges, “With this ring, I thee wed; with my body, I thee worship; and with all my worldly goods, I thee endow.” Unfortunately, many husbands are more willing or able to give worldly goods than to give this special kind of lovemaking. Some never give it at all; some only give it sometimes. When you do experience it, you recognize it as a present that is better than show tickets, better than a new dishwasher, better than the proverbial dozen roses. Attentive lovemaking is the ultimate gift of caring.

Being made love to is great. The next best thing is a man who can let you make love to him. I doubt that, in this case, it is always more blessed to give than to receive; but it is also a benison, and it is different and in its own way rewarding.

Not all men are comfortable with this kind of role. They need to be taught, sometimes, to lie back and enjoy it, to be passive while they are being pleasured, and to let someone else take responsibility for the staging of lovemaking and control the timing and the sequence of events.

Maybe it is because past generations associated being passive in bed with not being masculine. Maybe it is a sense that no nice woman could possibly enjoy that; and so while they could be made love to by a hooker who was later paid, they cannot feel good about being made love to by a nice woman whom they respect. No matter the reason, most men can eventually be taught to lie back and enjoy something that has so much intrinsic appeal. But then . . .

Best of all, for the very lucky, is the level of mutuality when you and he can make love with each other. Then there are no favors, no largesse, no performer, and no audience. Instead, there is a kind of reciprocal dance in which there is not one person who leads and another who follows and, if there is a lead, it moves back and forth from one to the other. Maybe that leads to the celebrated mutual orgasm; most likely it does not, but that does not matter. Because both of you do climax eventually, the lovemaking process is, at least, as important as the achievement of orgasm. Or as John Prine says in one of his songs, “The going is as important as the getting there.”

Sometimes, it is more important. To have someone with whom you can make love is indeed to be blessed even if the relationship does not last and even if the lovemaking is a rare event.

Making love with someone does not just happen as spontaneously as is often portrayed on television and in the movies. It needs a certain kind of attitude and requires the availability of time, space, and attention—all of which must be planned for and made a priority. Amazingly, many people do not have this as a life goal, even people who have been there and should know better.

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