How to Pick a Lover

Posts tagged ‘Interpersonal relationship’

Lovers Are Not For Everyone

Women keep a special corner of their hearts for sins they have never committed.
—Cornelia Otis Skinner

There are many circumstances under which a modern woman might decide that having a lover would increase her quality of life and would bring her a great deal of joy and satisfaction. It does not follow, however, that this is a decision that would be right for all women all of the time. At least three kinds of women will not be interested in the prospect of taking a lover: the woman with homophilic tendencies, the contented celibate wife, and the (presumably contented) wife in a traditional marriage.

Women as Lovers

Women as Lovers (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Some women who are seeking a lover are not seeking a man at all but are instead looking for another woman. The sexual revolution and the new permissiveness have made the lesbian option an increasingly acceptable alternative to traditional marriage. Some women may be exclusively homosexual. Others who are basically heterosexual may, under special circumstances, find themselves in what amounts to a homosexual encounter. Or they may wish to have a woman lover in addition to a husband or male lovers. However, the focus of my blog happens to be on picking a lover who is a man. It may well be that many of the same principles would also apply to picking a lover who is a woman. The examples in my posts happen to be male oriented: their application is a matter of personal preference and taste.

To borrow a slogan from another context: “Sometimes the best man for the job is a woman.”

Lovers: The Young Man as Protégé

Girls we love for what they are; young men for what they promise to be.
—Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

If one of the positive aspects about an older man is that he may assume the role of mentor, one of the positive aspects of being with a younger man is that, for a change, you may get to be the mentor. There is an intrinsic satisfaction in having a protégé who admires you and who wants to learn from you.

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore at the 2010 Time...

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Women who are in the arts or are involved in creative work are very likely to encounter a young lover who will become a protégé: the young actor who wants to learn to act, the blossoming painter or dancer or writer, the apprentice in any number of fields. Accepting a young man as a protégé assumes that the older woman involved has some valuable knowledge to impart; she is, in some way, in a position to offer real assistance in the form of advice or perhaps more direct sponsorship. She becomes, in effect, a patron.

How do you feel about being in the role of mentor or patron? There is this aspect to consider: there are many circumstances in which teachers are paid to teach. Tutors or coaches or professors are considered to be working, and they deserve to be paid for that work. Often, they are not paid very well, but they are always paid something. Teaching and learning, master and pupil are complementary roles, but when did you ever hear of someone who was paid to learn? In the long run, being the one who learns is more interesting and more fun. So if you are cast in the role of unpaid teacher, you may easily become bored when you find that you are not learning very much and impatient with constantly being the wise person who explains and illustrates things she already knows to a young lover who is an eager protégé.

In tomorrow’s post I will discuss some of  the potential troubles you may possibly encounter in a relationship with a younger man.

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