How to Pick a Lover

Posts tagged ‘importance of communication’

Being Single Can Be Lonely

The couples wander two by two,
A giant Noah’s ark, a zoo,
Not one by one or three by four
But two by two, no less, no more.
—Jadah Vaughn, “Cagemates”

The Western world is organized socially around the premise of a husband-wife pair. Traditionally, almost all activities that are done in the evening or on weekends are programmed to be done by a two-person, man-woman team. This arbitrary organization is not typical of all societies and, indeed, is not typical of our own for adolescents or for the elderly. In the adult years, however, the fact that most people are part of a couple is readily translated into the idea that most people should be. While this viewpoint has been changing slowly over the past several decades, it still influences the behavior of many adults.

The need for companionship may be somewhat more important for women than for men in that their activities are more constrained by social norms, which make some things more comfortable when done with a male escort. A man, being free to take the initiative, is less constrained and can often hustle up someone at the last minute to do things with. A woman can as well; but more often than not, it is more difficult, especially when it comes to activities that take place in the evening or extend late into the night.

One Is a Lonely Number

One Is a Lonely Number (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If you want to go to the movies, you can always go by yourself and hold your own hand. Or you can go with a friend, and he or she may share your popcorn, but they do not hold your hand and they do not engender in you feelings of romance. Wanting a romantic evening of dinner and a movie may sound like a trivial goal, but in some instances, it may be quite a legitimate motive for taking a lover or even for getting married.

Hostesses have been taught that a proper dinner table should be balanced, meaning that there should be an equal number of men and women. Canadian author Merle Shain observed, “Being single can feel like playing musical chairs, and every time they stop the music, you’re the one who’s out.” Unmarried adults are often left out of social activities not so much from a sense of disapproval as from a residual concern that there will be an unbalanced sex ratio.

Having a lover gives a woman access to a companion who is on tap, so to speak, and who can readily be conscripted to take part in a number of activities such as weddings and bar mitzvahs, in addition to making love. Access to an escort is a problem which a wife does not have to face. Alas, thinking that all your married friends have it made is much the same kind of error of generalization that married women make in thinking that all their single friends have it made. Just remember that the greener grass you yearn for on the other side of the fence may be nothing more than artificial turf.

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Speaking of Love: The Silver-Tongued Devil

I have been seduced again, by the silver—tongued devil again. He is the most cunning linguist of them all.

—Jadah Vaughn

An important part of making love is, or should be, words. You are passionate for a few minutes; you are involved in an intimate embrace for a few hours but may converse and listen all day long and far into the night.

The lover worth loving knows how to talk and to listen. He knows how to make the experience more acute for being put into words and to make feelings more focused for being articulated. He not only knows how to express himself, but he knows how to draw you out to express yourself as well.

His presence is companionate because it is shared; his presence is not boring because it provides a running commentary of observation, thought, and feeling. With luck, such a lover also has the gift of laughter: he provides reassurance while putting things in perspective.

English: A young woman and man embracing while...

The act of love making begins long before you are in bed.

It may sound like a tall order, but all it really means is that this person has learned to communicate verbally and is willing to use that skill to help create a mood and develop a relationship. Pillow talk, intimate talk may be made up of little nothings, but it is of great importance.

The good lover should not only be able to converse about the weather and the price of tea in China, he should also be able to talk about love. An Irish woman would call it blarney, but she would smile when she said it. An English woman would chide him with “how you do go on!” but she would smile too.

Conversation doesn’t only establish intimacy. It also helps to imprint sensual experiences and makes them memorable.

The experience of the sensate world is something to be felt and to be enjoyed. However, it is often difficult to know exactly what you are feeling and even more difficult to remember it with clarity. On occasion, some combination of emotion and circumstance may create an atmosphere that you recall in dreams and daydreams for years. But often, the experiences themselves, the sensations are amorphous and are lost to thought and memory.

They say—that is, men say—that women do not really remember the pains of childbirth, or they would never have a second child. Often, even very intense sensations, such as the great pleasure of making love, are difficult to recall in detail. You experience something more acutely for being able to put it into words. People are always lamenting that a feeling is beyond words, and it may well be true. But, at least, trying to put it into words helps to focus on the reality you are experiencing.

Look for a lover who is articulate. If he can verbalize his emotions and yours as well for that matter, he can enable both of you to feel more completely and to remember more accurately. Strong and silent types may have been fine as stars of the silent screen; but they can be boring, boring, boring in bed. Brevity may be the soul of wit, but that maxim does not apply when someone is saying “I love you.

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