How to Pick a Lover

A woman’s home is her hassle!
—Jayson VanVerten

When you have found a prospective lover who seems in many ways to be the real thing, or at least close to the real thing, take him home. Well, not necessarily home to meet your mother unless you are only seventeen, but home to where you live or work.

If you are in a relationship contrive some situation in which he’ll meet your husband or your current lover dangerous as that may initially seem. See him when you’re with your children. Put him in the same group with other significant people in your life, be they coworkers or a brother or whomever. This strategy is, of course, irrelevant if all that’s involved is a one-night stand or a one-afternoon tumble.  This strategy is only important for a lover that you hope to keep for a period of time.

Lover

Lover (Photo credit: Squirmelia)

First of all, you’ll see how well he behaves under moderate pressure before there is any real pressure. Can he talk baseball scores with your husband without glowering? Does he show deference to your husband and his domain? Does he treat your children as miniature people or as little irritants that get in his way? Can he be cool and poised in a situation in
which, you hope, only you and he understand the real nature of the dynamics that are going on?

If a man bungles initial meetings before any events of real significance have occurred, you cannot trust him to be cool and to remain discreet when at some future date there may be more violent emotions and more significant events to cover up. What’s really involved here isn’t only a test of sophistication but also a test of potential possessiveness and jealousy. Some unworldly boys of twenty can manage the situation with good grace and good humor; while some apparently worldly men in midlife are transparent and awkward.

The good lover must have a certain amount of guile, a certain talent for ambiguity. It’s paradoxical, but what you want is a contradictory qualification: the ability to dissemble to the world at large and the ability to project to you that with you, he speaks and shows only the truth and all the truth.

In 1984, George Orwell called it double think, a dubious trait you must both possess. You must be willing to believe: “Yes, we lie to the outside world, by omission if no other way. But no, we don’t lie to each other.” Like good theater, a good affair requires a certain suspension of disbelief.

Taking a prospective lover home also helps him to concretize the day-today reality with which you have to contend. Not just a husband, but Harry the husband. Not just three kids, but Mollie and Mattie and Maryanne. When you have to get home for a Girl Scout meeting, he knows who it is for and what it will be like. When you have to get home to make cunning
little stuffed mushrooms to stuff into your husband’s cunning little stuffed business associates, he can visualize the kitchen where you work and the room where they are served. The obligations are made real, and the more they are made real, the more he’s able to take them as seriously as you must.

You also need to take your lover home to demystify him for the people you work and live with. A mysterious gentleman caller is quite romantic and attractive if you’re a single girl who delights in collecting beaux just as your grandmother did. But if you are of a certain age and especially if you are married, collecting beaux isn’t exactly what you’re supposed to be doing, however delightful that pastime may be.

When someone finally asks, “Who was that man?” you need to be able to say casually, “Who? Oh, him. You remember him. That’s Tony. You met him at the Smith’s party. He’s in landscaping. He’s trying to talk us into a new pool.” Or whatever.

The best alibis are those you create before you need them, not afterward.

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Comments on: "The Penultimate Test: Take Him Home" (3)

  1. The mystery of why will always be a mystery. No matter our moral stance or ethical dilemma, I will always say the same thing. Unless all parties are in agreement, don’t do it; though your advice is concrete I still say don’t do it. At the end of the day, someone is harmed.

    • Val, I agree – putting aside the moral judgement and ethical issues – most affairs do have unfortunate outcomes if all parties involved are not in agreement. However, the reason I started this post was to examine the sexual inequities that continue to persist in the sexual relationships between men and women. Men have always had the freedom to choose a lover – for whatever reason – if he so decided. While everyone may not agree with this choice, he’s not likely to face serve moral judgement if he’s caught, but rather, he’s likely to be ridiculed for being stupid for getting caught. For a woman who chooses to have an affair and gets caught, the moral consequence are far more severe and damaging. The literature is ripe with cautionary tales about bad things that happen to good women who stoop to the “folly” of taking a lover. There are no time-honor rules, Greek chorus, or yenta to tell a woman who chooses to have an affair how she might avoid the many minefields of an affair. The purpose of this post, and future posts, is to offer advise to women on how they might avoid some of the many minefields they may encounter to minimize the likelihood of harm occurring, should they choose to exercise their freedom of choice to have an affair. I really appreciate your comment and thoughts.

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