How to Pick a Lover

Men do not understand, as a rule, that women like to get used to them by degrees.
—John Oliver Holmes

In traditional courtship, a man not only made the first move but also set the pace of the courtship. The onus of acting rested with him.

If a man was enthusiastic about a woman, he might give her the rush and try to instigate a whirlwind courtship; if he was less enthusiastic or simply shy, he might move hesitantly. With each gesture that he offered in order to accelerate the development of the relationship, the woman in question had a choice of responses: she could accede to his wishes, or she could demur. This dance could continue for some time, depending mostly upon the man’s feelings and his willingness to press his case or not.

Courtship

Courtship (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Eventually, the courtship dance would lead either to a proposal, to be accepted or rejected, or to the woman’s decision that since the man wasn’t going to propose, she should let herself be courted elsewhere by someone with more serious intentions.

In the new courtship that has been the focus of my recent posts, the initiative is more reciprocal, and the timetable can reflect his escalations or hers. The decision in question isn’t whether or not to marry but only whether or not to have an affair. It’s a less serious decision, and a more reversible one, but it’s still an important decision. Making an important decision requires information and thought. To consider what you are getting into, and whether you really want to get into it at all, takes time—time to interview, to test, to reflect. And all too often, the average man is not at all interested in taking time.

The solution to this problem is simple: stall. Stall, stall, stall. If you go with him to his hotel room to have a drink and talk things over, you lose a lot of credibility no matter how straightforward your intentions. You can say, “Lie down, I want to talk to you,” but at your own peril. How do you make a man stand still or sit still or even lie still to be interviewed when he has something else entirely on his mind? Long ago, the Spaniards invented a way. The young and virginal were courted at some length but always in the presence of a “duenna,” an older woman who trailed along out of earshot but not out of sight and certainly not out of mind.

Get yourself a duenna. Make a deal with a girlfriend, take along a child old enough to watch and talk, lie down and talk in sunlight on a public beach. The combination of being accessible, but not completely accessible, is ideal. The pseudo-intimacy which results is a constraint, but it allows for a certain freedom and permissiveness. Having the outer limits defined helps both of you to relax. That is after-all what double dating is all about for teenagers, but it works well for grown-ups as well.

If your message is one of passive resistance and what you want is for him not to go away but only proceed more slowly, then it’s both necessary and fair that you don’t confuse the issue with a double message. Some women say no when what they really mean is “coax me.” Then when the man takes no for an answer, they are vaguely disappointed. You must, in this kind of situation, make your responses both consistent and unambiguous. You can always change your mind at a later date.

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Comments on: "Passive Resistance: Go Away Closer" (5)

  1. “The solution to this problem is simple: stall. Stall, stall, stall. If you go with him to his hotel room to have a drink and talk things over…”

    Why stall? Why not just set firm boundaries on what your actual standards are? Say you won’t sleep with him until the x date. Going to his hotel room, well the game is already lost.

    “Get yourself a duenna. Make a deal with a girlfriend, take along a child old enough to watch and talk…”

    I don’t think that’s the correct answer. What you’re saying is that as a woman you have no control over your physical impulses once you’re on a date with a man. Obviously date in a public place so you’re safe until you know him. But once you do, it’s silly to just say there should be someone around.

    Yes I write a blog about largely about how to attract and seduce women. But it’s becoming too easy for many guys- again and again girls put out and then wonder why the guys don’t take them seriously or return their calls. More thoughts on the topic here:

    3rdmilleniummen.wordpress.com/2012/11/11/manosphere-advice-for-women-on-how-to-keep-a-man-or-how-not-to-get-pumped-and-dumped

    • Sorry for the delayed response and thank you for commenting on the post. Perhaps I over stated my position and examples, but I think we are more or less in agreement. I agree that if you go to his hotel room the game is already lost, which is why I wouldn’t recommend it. As for the stall, stall, stall…I meant his with respect to women who are uncertain whether they are interested in dating a particular guy, i.e., she’s still uncertain whether the guy is someone interested in dating and needs more time to decide. Once a woman has decided that the guy is someone she’d like to date then she should clearly state her intentions, as should he. I understand that my suggestion of something akin to a duenna sounds rather archaic. The point I was trying to make, was that a woman should consider keeping her initial interactions – with a man she doesn’t know – quasi public until such time that she feels reasonably comfortable and safe with being alone with him. Given the prevalence of date rape, this seems to me to be sage advice. If the man in question, is part of the woman’s social circle then this tactic may be totally unnecessary. If, however, the man in question is a total stranger, and she’s in the initial stages of getting to know him, then she may want to arrange several quasi public meetings/dates before agreeing to date in which she’s totally alone with him – whether that be in a hotel room, his home, her home, or the back seat of a car parked in some isolated spot.

      • “The point I was trying to make, was that a woman should consider keeping her initial interactions – with a man she doesn’t know – quasi public until such time that she feels reasonably comfortable and safe with being alone with him.”

        I completely agree. I’m the only Manospherian commentator I’ve ever seen to post stuff about women’s safety. In providing advice to women, I’ve said: “3. Be nicer / Be sweet / Smile: I’m not talking about being too friendly to men you’ve just met or don’t know. In fact, The Gift of Fear – http://amzn.to/SlU2sV – is one of the most important books ever written in how to keep yourself safe. I recommend EVERY women reads it. I’m talking about being polite and smiling when you’re talking to someone (in a safe setting).”

        http://3rdmilleniummen.wordpress.com/2012/08/31/how-can-women-increase-their-attractiveness/

        But I didn’t read that as the thrust of your main article. In terms of ‘passive resistance’, I disagreed and said women should set ‘firm boundaries’ and not cross them in their relationships with a man they like.. because then he won’t take them as seriously.

  2. I think you are exactly right on target. The boundaries of courtship, whether leading to marriage or an affair have blurred. Expectations have changed and in many cases with each relationship the bar is reset.

    Men expect X if they spend Y.
    Women feel pressured to live up to a social standard.

    Men are disappointed when women accede to their demand to ‘put out’.
    Women are disappointed when men judge them as either ‘to easy’ or ‘prudish’.

    Though women were presumably freed from the social strictures of enforced virginity, we are still judged by a set of social codes which in truth have no bearing on our real lives. Men continue to also be judged, these judgments are also mostly antiquidated.

  3. Thanks for the great comment! I totally agree.

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