How to Pick a Lover

Between two evils, choose neither;
Between two goods, choose both.
—Tryon Edwards

If you’re a woman who is thinking about taking a lover, then you’re on the verge of an important decision. Having a love affair can be a source of great joy—or great sorrow. Falling in love can make a big difference in your life and in your happiness. The biggest difference of all is not the fact of the experience per se, but in the kind of man you choose and how suitable he is for you.

July 31, 2009

July 31, 2009 (Photo credit: staticjana)

When you pick a lover, pick a lover who will be loving. Pick a sex object who turns you on and whose personality pleases you. Pick a man for his intrinsic intangible appeal who evokes a response in you physically or emotionally or both. Pick him as someone to love and to love you back for the sustaining joy of that relationship. Not for money, not for presents, not for saving face, not even for someone to go to the movies with. Don’t pick him as an act of kindness to him or as an act of defiance to your friends or family or to please your mother or to punish her (or your father either, for that matter). Don’t pick a lover for anyone’s sake except your own and for any other reason than that something about him calls out to something in you and makes you want to explore that calling further. Pick a lover this way, and you have a chance for a new kind of relationship with a wide range of potentially enjoyable experiences.

Choosing a lover implies a selection process. It conveys the image that there are a number of men who potentially might be chosen, whether they know it or not, and that some kind of implicit or explicit criteria are being used to make the critical judgments. Picking a lover is a lot like picking flowers, and sometimes, one wants a bouquet.

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