How to Pick a Lover

The greatest happiness of life is
The conviction that we are loved,
Loved for ourselves, or rather loved
in spite of ourselves.
—Victor Hugo

It is convenient to view the emancipation of women as part of the sexual revolution and to consider the changes in women’s role in terms of the undeniable changes, which have occurred in her expectations regarding her own sexuality as well as that of men. While these changes have raised the consciousness of a generation in terms of their potential for erotic fulfillment, sensuality is only one part of what women want from men.

If you are considering taking a lover, you may be looking for love as well as for companionship and perhaps for adventure. When you evaluate a particular man in terms of the pros and cons of becoming involved with him, you might want mainly to have sex. You also might want mainly to be loved or to be less lonely or to be less bored. In the best of all possible worlds, you probably want eroticism and love together, with a man who is also an interesting companion. Which need comes foremost in your mind depends upon your own personality and upon the circumstances in which you find yourself.

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Comments on: "The Love Factor: The Need For Affection" (3)

  1. NormalDeviations said:

    Doesn’t this really hold true for men as well, at least generally (when you distill down people’s needs)?

    • Thanks for taking the time to comment on the blog. I agree that it holds true for men as well. Men have always been free to seek eroticism in relationships, whereas, until more recently, women who openly acknowledged that eroticism was an important component of what that wanted in a relationship, were generally viewed in a negative light. The fact that we have many pejorative terms to describe women who are “too sexual” – slut, whore, nymphomaniac – whereas, we don’t have equivalent terms for men who are “too sexual.” We don’t tend to judge a man with a “reputation” as harshly as a woman with a “reputation.”

      • NormalDeviations said:

        True enough; I was mainly thinking of the traits you described. Applying it to my thoughts I can see that I hold the above as traits I look for, though I’m not sure I evaluate eroticism higher than companionship, as an example. Ideally, like you said, a combination of the high-need factors is the best, no matter what gender you are.

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