How to Pick a Lover

Whatever the origins of sexual preferences—genetic or hormonal or experiential—they are always easier to recognize than to explain and easier to describe than to change.
—Simon Van Velikoff, sexologist

In previous blogs I’ve identified several kinds of men women should never consider to be relationship material. In addition, some men are losers as potential lovers because their particular preferences do not happen to be compatible with your own. With some studied attention, you can discover what your own sexual proclivities are. Once you know that, if you can then find someone with whom you are basically compatible, you may be able to experience a great deal of growth and an extensive development of your own erotic potential. Most people do not find this process very complex. From an early age, they are unambiguously heterosexual and they express that heterosexuality in a nonviolent and nonexploitative way. Others, however, do not.

It is difficult to answer the complex question of why some people prefer one kind of sexuality and other people prefer something else. Even years of soul-searching or psychoanalysis may not yield any very convincing explanations. We do know, however, that regardless of how basic sexual predilections originate, once they are formed, they are very resistant to change. If you want to change your own sexual inclinations, you might consider one of the sex therapy clinics, which employ surrogate sex partners. If you are considering trying to change someone else’s sexual proclivities, however, you are wise to think again.

People with unusual sexual predilections are usually more interested in gratifying their unorthodox desires than in changing them. Even in atypical instances when they do want to change, they have great difficulty doing so. Do not attempt to rehabilitate or to reform a would-be lover whose sexual predilections are basically at odds with your own.

Several types of men should be excluded because their sexual predilections will be at odds with your own. Homophiles, because they are not likely to meet your sexual needs, and predators and men who are prone to sexual violence because they are likely to jeopardize your safety.

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