How to Pick a Lover

To speak love is to make love.
—Honoré de Balzac

Part of masculine magnetism has to do with how a man looks. But there are other components to his physical appeal: how he moves, how he dresses, how he smiles, how he smells. That is certainly enough to get your attention.

Although these may be the first things that a woman notices, they are not necessarily the most important traits that make one man more or less appealing than another. How he feels is also very important. The best lovers are sensuous sybarites who have the gift of passion and who are Bohemian enough and confident enough to follow through to the full potential of sensuous delights. Even if he does all of this, he also has to have the right attitudes. He must like women in the abstract and in the flesh with an erotic response that is enthusiastic and involved, but not abusive or violent.

Suppose that you have been to a party where you met a handsome man who has since wined and dined you. The conversation has been extensive enough and intimate enough that you feel confident he is sane and reasonable—not a misogynist or a rapist, not a lecher or a bully. Now what? Remember that most men you encounter are likely to meet these minimum criteria. So while all those characteristics are important, they are still not enough. Now you must listen to him, really listen to him.

The most important feature of a good lover relationship is mutuality: the flow of interaction back and forth from man to woman and woman to man. What is needed is dialogue on all levels: emotional, physical, and intellectual. What is needed is reciprocity.

Mutuality implies a dialogue, and with a lover, that dialogue has two important interrelated parts: dialogue that involves words and nonverbal dialogue that involves a conversation of gestures and facial expressions.


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