How to Pick a Lover

Love and the Androgynous Man

What is most beautiful in virile men is something feminine; what is most beautiful in feminine women is something masculine.
Susan Sontag

Coleridge maintained that “the great mind must be androgynous.” To that, we must add that great lovers must be androgynous as well. The man who is most desirable as a lover must have some of the traits which are usually thought of as belonging to women; the woman who is most desirable as a mistress must have some of the traits which are usually thought of as belonging to men.

Androgyny is a complicated concept. From its roots, you can tell it refers to a combination of the sexes: “andro” meaning male (as in “androgen,” the male sex hormone) and “gyn” meaning female (as in “gynecology,” the branch
of medicine devoted to women). Androgyny refers to a kind of personality which combines both male and female traits. The combination can result in a person with a wide range of these kinds of behaviors with which they feel comfortable. The androgynous person is flexible and versatile and, more than most people, is able to escape the limitations of rigid sex roles.

Androgynous (song)

Androgynous (song) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The man who is androgynous is not someone who is effeminate or womanlike. However, he may have some of women’s better features, such as a capacity to feel and to express tenderness. The woman who is androgynous is not someone who is masculinized or manlike. However, she may have some of men’s better features, such as a healthy acceptance of heightened sexuality. In either case, androgyny does not necessarily have anything to do with being homophylic (being of the same race or having common ancestry), or with having homosexual tendencies. Some homosexuals may also be androgynous, but most are not.

Why seek an androgynous lover? In the first place, such a man is quite secure in his own masculinity: secure enough to ignore the exaggerated demands of macho culture and to create his own style. He can admit to a wide range of emotions—wider than the typically macho emotions of lust and rage—and he can express them in a variety of ways. In the second place, the androgynous man, who is in some ways like a woman, can understand women better than his macho brother ever will. He is therefore more sympathetic to women in general and to you in particular. He can be assertive without being aggressive; he can be dominant, in some circumstances, without being a bully; and he can follow, in other circumstances, without being a wimp.

The androgynous man is as handy with a mix master as he is with a chain saw, as concerned with table settings as with the Dow Jones; he is as interested in poetry as he is in the World Series. He is, truly, a man for all seasons.

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Comments on: "Love and the Androgynous Man" (3)

  1. Great article! An androgynous man is capable of reaching, experiencing and drawing out deeper levels of emotion in a partner. They love without any restraints!

  2. Very true! Because androgynous men experience a much wider range emotions than other men, they are better able to understand and connect emotionally with women, which increases their capacity to love without abandon – a critical component of a fulfilling relationship.

  3. Thanks for the informative blog. I am in love with a man who admitted to being this way. He is perfect for me.

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