How to Pick a Lover

There’s one thing about baldness—it’s neat.
—Don Herold

If you are so programmed that you can only love beautiful men and if the nonbeautiful are simply not appealing, then you have to think very carefully about what constitutes beauty. You have to contrast what would be ideal with what would be good enough.

Here is your exercise: think in your mind of whoever you consider to be physically the perfect man. There is any number of celebrity sex symbols you could choose from. George Clooney? Brad Pitt? Antonio Banderas? Warren Beatty when he was younger? Denzel Washington? Adam Levine? Any of the Backstreet Boys? Leonardo DiCaprio?

English: George Clooney at the 2009 Venice Fil...

English: George Clooney at the 2009 Venice Film Festival (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

To keep him generalized, let us call him the all-star man. Think about the all-star man and ask yourself: if he were only five feet six, would he still do? The list of men whom many women would dismiss as too short includes such luminaries as Burt Reynolds, Dustin Hoffman, Richard Dreyfuss, and even the great Humphrey Bogart.

A lot of people who loved Clark Gable would have had trouble coming to terms with his false teeth. Sometimes, he would shock recalcitrant fans by taking them out in public. And the story goes that Bogey always licked his lips in his movies because he had a very irritable stomach and had to take Maalox all day, which left a white coating in his mouth.

How would you feel about your all-star man if he happened to be bald, or balding? According to Vidal Sassoon, who perhaps speaks from a biased position, “Hair is just another name for sex.” Many bald men, however, report that having a baldpate is an unfailing sex magnet. Perhaps women who find Andre Agassi magnetic and sexy are responding to something other than the absence of hair, but even if this is the case, they apparently are able to consider hair expendable. Indeed, many men are now shaving their hair completely off because a number of movie stars and athletes have once again redefined being bald as being sexy as Yule Brenner did in the 1960s.

There are many kinds of beauty. If you insist on using beauty as a criterion because that is how you are programmed, then at least try to include as many men as possible within the definition of “attractive enough.” If you have only
one type—if to be attractive to you a man must be tall, blond, strong, athletic, with blue eyes, a movie-star smile, and no moles—then perhaps you should consider as your next holiday a bicycle trip around Sweden. If you can love tall or short, dark or blond, blue eyes or black eyes, you can go to Italy as well, not to mention Argentina or Israel.

To this, as to every rule, there is an exception. If you are so imprinted on one particular body type and so conditioned to respond to it that you cannot have an orgasm unless you are holding on to muscular arms that are seventeen inches in circumference, well . . . then you are going to be stuck with bodybuilders and weight lifters. You will have the same limited range of erotic relationships as does the man who can only be turned on by a blonde with long legs and big breasts.

In all likelihood, you will find yourself turning down real men only to end up mooning over your favorite movie star or sports figure or over Playgirl magazine pictures of beautiful young men who, dressed or undressed, are equally unavailable except as fantasy playmates.

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