How to Pick a Lover

What is it in men that women do require?
The lineaments of Gratified Desire.
What is it women do in men require?
The lineaments of Gratified Desire.
—William Blake, The William Blake Notebook

How is one best advised to proceed in the quest for sexual fulfillment? Although both men and women may ultimately end up preoccupied with the dynamics of sex and love, it seems possible that given differences in socialization and differences in physiology, they reach their quest by different routes. One maxim frequently cited states that among men, sexual desire begets love whereas among women, love begets sexual desire. In the nineteenth century, the French novelist Rémy de Gourmont put it somewhat more precisely: “Man begins by loving love and ends by loving a woman. Woman begins by loving a man and ends by loving love.”

Although many things have changed since then, our cultural traditions are strong enough that this pattern still holds true for many women. For some women, there may be a spontaneous urge of sexual desire, parallel to that which men experience, which is not appeased by masturbation or by conjugal sex. For many others, however, the inclination toward an erotic affair is not so much a generalized randiness as a wish for a man who would inspire randiness. It is not that they are full of desire, but rather that they want to find a man who would make them feel desire. The libido is there, but it needs to be aroused. They suspect, often correctly, that with a different man or a different kind of man or a man who made love differently, they would be much more turned on. Such inclinations may be difficult to reconcile with how nice, ladylike women are supposed to feel; but it is clear that it is how many of them do feel, whether or not they admit it  to anyone else.

It starts with her beauty in my eyes, it moves...

Photo credit: Wikipedia

Casual sexual encounters may provide a certain excitement or may gratify a desire to seduce or to make a conquest. However, the thrill or newness is often counterbalanced by a certain awkwardness and self-consciousness not unlike what people experience in their first encounters. As one woman put it: “The first time with a new man is always a bit like the first time ever.” If everything seems right, the best you can usually hope for is the exultant conviction: “This could be the start of something big!” The second time may be better, the third time better still.

The most exceptional erotic experiences are often the result of a long-term evolving relationship in which increased awareness of each other’s body and responses improves rapport and empathy and moves the encounter to a higher and higher pitch. There is time for experimentation and time to incorporate what the experimentation teaches you about what works best for you both. It is in a developed relationship that one can best hope for that special magic where an erotic experience approaches a transcendental one. In this instance, practice may not make perfect, but it does make for better and better and better. And yet . . . there is also the Coolidge effect.

Comments on: "Sexual Fulfillment: The Erotic Affair" (5)

  1. NormalDeviations said:

    Thanks for posting this. You opened a can of worms for me; I spent a couple hours wandering the Internet and following the Coolidge Effect, through the Sexual Boredom Scale, and down all sorts of tangents.

  2. LOL Hope you enjoyed the journey.

  3. […] never really thought about the possibility that it might be hard wired in me. . . until a couple of recent posts by Wesley Ford on his very fascinating […]

  4. […] Sexual Fulfillment: The Erotic Affair (pickingalover.wordpress.com) […]

  5. […] Sexual Fulfillment: The Erotic Affair (pickingalover.wordpress.com) Rate this:Share this:MoreLike this:LikeBe the first to like this. Tags: advice, anger, arousal, bodies, child, curiostiy, demanding, desire, drug, ecstasy, erotic, explosion, feelings, flesh, frustration, happiness, hard, Hormone, hormones, Human sexual activity, humping, intercourse, intimacy, jealousy, joy, Libido, lust, needs, orgasm, passion, pleasure, poem, Poetry, poets, Politics of Sexuality, release, sex, Sex Education, Sex Offenses, Sexology, Sexual Addiction, Sexuality, sins, souls, temptation, union, untamed, urges, wild, wonder Comments RSS feed […]

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